Smoking

Time for a whinge. This time it is about another kind of whinger: the smoker. Whilst I appreciate that nicotine addicts must be feeling harried by the recent wave of smoking bans, it doesn't half get my hackles up when I hear or read their complaints.

The offending arguments usually go thus: "Blasted nanny state telling us what we can and can't do! I should be allowed to do whatever I want! Froth, froth, foam!" I find it scary that even supposedly intelligent people, such as columnists in national newspapers, come out with this guff. They describe smoking as if it is a hobby, merely a pleasant thing to do, when actually it is an addiction. They talk as if smoking were a human right, and neglect to consider other peoples' desire for simple things like breathing clean air and smelling nice. Intervening when one person's activities impinge upon the freedoms of another is not nannying, but is exactly what a government ought to do more often.

Whilst I feel for those poor, shivering souls huddled outside pub doorways in a sad little cloud of toxins, I cannot express my joy at the revolution in my own social experience. The pub is now a nice place to go, and in combination with the death of the 11 o'clock curfew, the ban has turned "going for a pint" into a pleasant and civilized way to spend time with my friends. I am therefore in full support of the ban. This does not, however, imply any kind of moral judgement on smokers, and I would fight for a smoker's right to smoke in their own home.

The more thoughtful smokers of my acquaintance are phlegmatic about the ban. They accept that smoking is an addiction and does have a negative effect on the people around them, and they understand that this is why it needs to be stopped in indoor, public spaces. They agree that smoking is bad for the health and that people should be encouraged to quit. They do not see all this as an attack on their personal freedom.

Nobody likes to be told they are in the wrong. I reckon the whinging smokers are merely reacting in an emotive way, feeling told off for their addiction and responding defensively, when they should be thoughtful. I wouldn't mind, but if those wrong headed values are spread about, it encourages people to continue smoking, which will encourage pubs to find ways around the ban – more covered, outdoor spaces with those awful, wasteful outdoor heaters – and even encourage people to reverse the ban.

Asking people not to smoke in certain places is not an attack on their freedom, any more than smoking around me was an attack on mine.

Evil

It's all evil: murder, rape, theft, littering, loitering. It's all evil: smoking, international fraud, globalisation.

There's carbon footprints and identity theft, paedophilia and racism, sexism, ageism. War - that's evil too - and pulling the legs off insects. Eating too much. Being rude about Islam. Being too openly religious; not being religious enough. Binge drinking. Extremism. Fundamentalism.

Did you know, every time a child drops a crisp packet, it causes a tsunami in the third world? Did you know, last time you made a cup of coffee, not only were you giving yourself cancer, you were torturing South American farmers and melting the polar ice? How does that make you feel? To know that you are directly responsible for the drowning of the last cuddly, white bear?

How can you live with yourself?

You must be a terrorist. Or a pervert.

I hope you feel that weight of responsibility, that guilt and pressure to ensure that every minute decision of your life is perfect and hurting nobody. I hope you feel that crushing fear that the world is going to die and it is all your fault.

No, no, no. This is all wrong. You aren't evil.

You know what's evil? People and organisations and systems spreading guilt and fear because it makes money or wins elections, or simply because it is easy, exploiting those who should be supported and guided. That's where all this evil comes from.

And what's really stupid? We lump it all together. Actually, there are problems - large and small - which we, as a species, could do something to remedy, but there is not one big problem with one big solution. The world is more complex than that. Yet every time there is a political summit, all the banners get waved. Our media bombard us with problems, one after another. Issues get confused. Campaigning and protesting loses its clout.

The very notion of evil is a lie. There are problems - difficult problems - and they need careful consideration by intelligent people who actually understand the issues. The media can create a gradual cultural shift and popular pressure which might help in some instances, but coverage which is high in drama and light in detail encourages governments to make quick, crowd pleasing fixes, which may do more damage in the long term.

If we genuinely hope to make the world a better place, we should stop worrying about the evils beyond our control, and really focus on things we can change, starting with the little things that really matter: in our work, around our home towns, for our friends.

Bugger Rugger

Call me a heretic and a national traitor, but I wasn't in the least bit bothered about the rugby world cup final. Nor would I be bothered about the cricket, tennis, snooker, grand prix, golf, olympics; nor in fact any other sport which might be in the public eye at any time.

The thing sports fans don't get is that being interested is something you have to work hard at. They don't get it because most people have been watching sport all their lives, and have over the years accumulated a great wealth of knowledge which they now take for granted. I don't even know the rules of rugby, let alone the names and strengths of the current players. I would have to make a special effort to learn all that stuff before I could understand what was going on.

Some sports are better for people like me than others. Football, for example, is quite good for me to watch, because the tactics and skills involved are very clear from the positions of the players on the pitch; football is about geometry. In rugby, I could tell who was winning, and I could appreciate the speed and strength of the individual players, but I would not be able to discern any strategy; as far as I can tell, all they do is run at each other very fast, like a game of British Bulldog where one person has to carry a ball. Cricket, for those outside of the loop, is utterly indecipherable, a repeating cycle of hit the ball, catch the ball, with apparently nothing of interest going on.

Don't get me wrong: I think sports are great - as things to play - and I cannot deny that people enjoy the watching of sport a great deal. It is the importance of sport which I believe is overrated. Sport is elevated above its station because people perceive it as 'real': there are real people out there really competing, and sometimes the prize is a lot of money, so they think it must be important. The proportion of our news media allocated to sport bolsters the perceived importance of the subject. Sporting events, wars and other disasters are given equal credence. People believe sport is important because they are told it is important, and so they get all excited about it.

In truth, sport is no more and no less than an improvised soap opera. It has characters with histories and is packed with drama and intrigue. It provides people with plenty of things to have opinions about which don't require too much brainpower to understand, and events to look forward to. For me to watch a single rugby match now would be like watching a single episode of Hollyoaks - I wouldn't know what was going on and it would seem boring and, frankly, a bit shit. If you watch Hollyoaks a lot, you will know the characters and the plot threads and the whole thing is (theoretically) more enjoyable. If the plot of Hollyoaks was reported in the news, perhaps we would see pubs full of Hollyoaks fans, cheering the nice characters, booing the nasty ones, maniacally whooping and hugging each other when a character gets laid.

Ah, maybe not.

The reason I am whinging is simple. I get fed up with the aghast codfish gapes of people who find out I didn't watch whatever match and I have never heard of such and such a player. Of course I didn't and of course I haven't. One may as well be shocked I didn't watch Hollyoaks yesterday and don't know the name of that blonde girl who posed in her pants for FHM.

I have never watched sport properly and have no interest in doing so and moreover there is no reason why I should be interested - sport is not important, it achieves nothing useful and says nothing worth hearing. Other people enjoy it, and that is fine. I enjoy different things, and that is fine too. Just please don't tell me it is important, because that gets on my tits.